How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Style

The Pleaser

In their childhood, pleasers typically had to deal with extremely critical, but also overly protective parents. As children they always tried to be good and “good”, to do everything right and not to be a burden for their family.

Pleasers are generally very attentive to others, can read their fellow human beings extremely well and have a fine sense of their moods and feelings. And it is precisely these skills that they use to meet the needs of others – primarily their partners.

In order to be able to lead healthy and stable relationships, it would be good for pleasers to learn to take their own feelings seriously and to share them with their partner instead of always doing what is expected of them.

The Victim

Victims typically have low self-esteem even in adulthood; some live with anxiety or depression.
Keyword “people always prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar, even if it is associated with pain”.
Victims are very passive in relationships and just let things happen. If things go very well for a long time, they develop fears because they always fear that it will soon pop again.

In order to be able to lead a healthy and stable relationship, the expert couple advises the victim to learn to feel self-love and to stand up for themselves instead of putting up with everything.

The Controller

As children, they usually felt neglected and barely protected. They had to learn early on to take care of themselves and be independent and tough.
Controllers typically don’t associate anger with vulnerability, but rather see it as a means of feeling stronger.
Controllers are extremely reluctant to leave their comfort zone because they then feel exposed and defenseless. And they prefer to solve problems alone and in their own way.

In relationships, controllers behave very dominantly and patronizingly, and they can also try to control their partner. In order to be able to lead a healthy partnership, it would be advisable for controllers to learn to trust, let go and get a grip on their own anger.

The Vacillator

For Vacillator, their own parents were primarily unpredictable. Basically, as children, Vacillators never had the feeling that they were important or even a priority for their parents; on the contrary, they lived with the constant fear of being let down by them
Vacillators typically develop a pronounced longing for love, they want stability and reliability from a relationship. As adults, they tend to idealize love and partnership.

That is why they get doubts and fears with the smallest conflicts and difficulties.
In order to have stable, healthy partnerships, this love type would do well to learn how to keep calm and give a relationship time to develop naturally, instead of committing themselves rashly and with a high probability of being disappointed in the end.

The Avoider

As children, Avoiders were taught by their parents that feelings make us weak and that we should always strive for independence. They learn early on to be independent and to put aside their emotions and needs.
As adults, Avoiders keep other people at a distance as much as possible and rely more on logic and rational arguments than on their feelings. For them, there is hardly anything more uncomfortable than the mood swings of others.

In order to be able to lead a healthy and stable relationship, the therapist couple recommends the Avoider type to learn to let others close to them and to deal openly and honestly with their own feelings.


Of course, every model that divides people into five types is a strong simplification and generalization. Direct conclusions must generally be viewed with caution, as people can react very differently to external circumstances and requirements

Credit : Moral Philosophy

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial